Thursday, July 07, 2005


Hyman loves to try to portray progressives and liberals as hypocrites by accusing them of participating in exactly the same sorts of narrow-mindedness they criticize in conservatism. Hyman’s latest attempt is his explanation of what he terms “euphemisms” of the left. Through his bizarre definitions, he charges liberals with being racist, anti-Semitic, and intolerant. (Paging Dr. Freud . . . Doctor Sigmund Freud . . . A severe case of projection in Baltimore, Maryland.)

Hyman offers no examples of anyone using these terms in the euphemistic way he claims they are. I can’t say that I know anyone who defines these words the way Hyman does, either. I won’t speak for others, but below I’ve described what I mean when I use the phrases Hyman defines. Afterward, I offer a list of terms culled from nearly a year of Counterpoints that are tried and true examples of Hymanspeak and offered translations for you English speakers out there.

Affirmative Action: policies that attempt to provide a level playing field by counteracting hundreds of years of discrimination that artificially kept talented and motivated people from realizing their full potential.

Neoconservative: a politician, government official, or public intellectual who believes, among other things, that democracy is best spread through unilateral military action and that the U.S. should ignore its commitments to other countries when they seem bothersome.

Diversity: The range of experiences, beliefs, and personal backgrounds that has led the United States to be the most culturally vibrant nation in the world.

Tolerance: Accepting the right of others to be who they are, including the right to be bigoted; does not include the right to openly discriminate against others on the basis of that bigotry.

Undocumented immigrants: people who entered the U.S. illegally, but who are not themselves “illegal.” Actions can be illegal; individual people are not.

Patriotism: love of the ideals and people of your nation without respect to specific policies of those currently in power; OR willingness to speak and act in the best interest of your country even if it contradicts the positions of those in power

Hymanspeak to English Translations

War on Terror: Preemptive invasion of Iraq (which, by the way, had no ties to 9/11, Osama bin Laden, or al-Qaeda).

Non-partisan: conservative

Partisan: reporting facts that conservatives would rather you not know about

Flat tax: work tax in which working people bear the greatest tax burden

Sales tax: consumption tax in which working people bear the greatest tax burden

Tax simplification: making the tax system more regressive
Middle class: those making over $100,000

Immigrant: brown person

Terrorist: brown person with a gun (or, sometimes, just a brown person)

Liberal: anyone who disagrees with Hyman

“Hate America crowd”: anyone who disagrees with Hyman

“The Angry left”: anyone who disagrees with Hyman

Communists: anyone who disagrees with Hyman

Whack-jobs: anyone who disagrees with Hyman
Elite: People with education and/or money who aren't conservatives.

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys: The people who saved our bacon in the American Revolution and gave us the Statue of Liberty.

Liberal media: the corporate owned media controlled by a handful of giant conglomerations and run by those with a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and pursuing a conservative economic agenda.

Local news: Prefabricated news from Sinclair headquarters in Baltimore

News: Partisan propaganda (when applied to “Stolen Honor”)

Disgruntled Employee: Principled employee (Jon Lieberman)

Tolerance: allowing the majority’s opinions and values to trump those of the minority

Supporting the troops: supporting the Bush administration, even when its actions harm the soldiers and help the terrorists

Supporting the terrorists: criticizing the Bush administration, even when its actions hurt the soldiers and help the terrorists; OR reporting news stories that suggest anything is less than hunky-dory in Iraq

Dishonoring the troops: Honoring the troops

Koppelgate: Sinclairgate—Sinclair’s decision to order its ABC stations not to run the episode of Nightline honoring troops that died in Iraq which prompted condemnation from Democrats, Republicans, families of the troops, Sinclair’s own viewers, etc.

Public Interest: the interest of the Bush administration and/or Sinclair Broadcasting

Maryland Governor Bob Ehrlich: longtime friend to Sinclair Broadcasting, former employer of Mark Hyman when he was a Representative, receiver of illegal campaign contributions from Sinclair Broadcasting executives, and unethical lobbyist for deregulation of broadcast ownership rules that benefit Sinclair.

Academia: college teachers of courses in the humanities and some social sciences (although not the hard sciences, economics, business, engineering, etc.) who teach critical thinking skills, present students with new ideas, and prompt them to self-reflection

Fringe thinker: yours truly, along with anyone else who disagrees with Hyman

And that's The Counterpoint.


At 3:59 PM, Anonymous C. (AngryLeft) M. said...


I will personally contribute to the costs of creating and mailling a hard-bound edition of your Hyman-speak glossary to Mr. Hyman, if you give the word.

If anything demonstrates the abuse of our airwaves better than the Hyman, please let me know!

At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Ted,

Have you noticed that both the Republican National Committee and Fox News have recently begun using the "angry left" labels for the loyal opposition?

At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think they have all settled on the favorably-poll-tested "Angry and Adrift".
Thanks Ted, and keep bustin' Hyman.
Mike B. in SC


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