I'm Osama bin Laden and I Approved this Message

Praise be to Allah, and greetings American imperialist infidels! This is Sheikh Osama Bin-Muhammad Bin-Ladin, but you can just call me Osama.

I’m sitting here in an undisclosed location with my laptop computer and have hacked my way into the website of one of your despicable countrymen, Ted Remington (death unto him!) for purposes of corresponding with you. I will try to be brief—getting a stable wireless broadband signal on the Pakistani border is a bitch, I tell you!

It has come to my attention that I’ve been slandered by one of your media figures. This person, Mark Hyman (may locusts nest in his nose hair!) has made untrue statements about me. He has said that I would vote for your donkey candidates (I believe you call them “Democrats”) in your so-called “elections” tomorrow.

Why I would care whether you voted for a candidate that consorts with donkeys or one that claims to be an elephant is beyond me. If you ask me, I wouldn’t allow either sort of degenerate to break bread with me. Yet, I feel compelled to clear up some misunderstandings perpetrated by Mr. Hyman (may rabid goats copulate with his mother!).

Let me defend my—how do you say?—“homie,” George W. Bush (all praises and peace be unto him).

This Hyman suggests that Bush has been hard on me and that your donkey candidates would make life easy. Such calumny! How could such a thing be said? Does not this Hyman recall that Bush let me go when I was at Tora Bora and nearly killed by the invading infidel hordes? It would have been the work a moment to forcibly release me to Paradise, yet Bush allowed me to escape.

And does this Hyman not acknowledge that Bush gave up in Afghanistan to go after Iraq, allowing my friends the Taliban to reassert control? I think the phrase you Americans like to use is “cut and running”—yes? –Bush was kind enough to “cut and running” from Afghanistan.

And does this Hyman have so much camel dung in his ears that he has not heard that all the generals of your imperialist armies implored him that invading Iraq had nothing to do with the “war on terrorism” and would be a distraction to hunting me down? Did he not hear how Bush thankfully ignored them and “cut and running” from Afghanistan anyway to attack that bloated bastard Saddam?

This Hyman says your donkey candidates see...

“defeating Islamic fascism and defending our nation as something
dirty and disgusting that we should abandon. They believe if we stepped up
multicultural diversity training in our schools that people who fly jetliners
into skyscrapers would nod approvingly and then ignore the world's greatest
country.”

Okay, for starters, I don't know what "Islamic facism" is, but more importantly, I have heard no such promises from your donkey people. Indeed, it is President Bush (may 72 virgins greet him at the time of his passing) that abandoned chasing me! He said he wanted me “dead or alive,” but he has been gracious enough to not only allow me to live, but to get back to my old life again! Please, Hyman, do not praise your vile donkey candidates for what the honorable president himself has already brought to pass himself.

And it is almost difficult to believe, but it seems your Hyman doesn’t even read the National Intelligence Estimates of your own government. For crying out loud, even *I* read those! If he had, he would know that your hated CIA and other intelligence services have noted that the war in Iraq has been the best thing that could happen for a humble ol’ jihadist like yours truly. They have seen and written about how the Saddam war has enraged the Islamic world and brought countless souls to the point of sacrificing their earthly existence for the mere chance to kill imperialist Americans. Yet Hyman acts as if such a document doesn’t exist!

Not that you should have needed your American spies to tell you such things. I spelled it out for you myself. Back in 1998, when I ordered true believers to kill Americans whenever and wherever they can, I said very specifically it was because of the hostility toward Iraq. Listen,—I’ve always thought that Saddam was a SOB of the highest order. But your animosity toward the country of Iraq was a wonderful recruiting tool. In that fatwa, I actually gave no other rationale behind my call to kill you Americans than your occupation of Muslim soil and your aggression against Iraq. Go read the fatwa now! I command you! It’s short and sweet.

And now, how gracious has Allah been to lead Bush (long may his clan prosper!) to invade and occupy not only a Muslim country, but the very country whose plight I used in my 1998 fatwa! It’s a freakin’ two-fer, people! Yet your Hyman says that this invasion was some sort of act of aggression against me. How despicable of Hyman (may sand fleas reside in his pubis!) to say such things when all evidence proves the opposite. By using your aggression against Iraq and occupation of Muslim countries, my 1998 fatwa got a bunch of losers to fly planes into buildings and kill 3000 of you. Think what I can do now that Bush has *occupied* Iraq! What action could more obviously and completely play into my hands?

Now, don’t get me wrong. As generous as Bush (long may he reign!) has been to me, I don’t believe he likes me. What American could? I swear, I don’t get you people sometimes. I got people to crash airplanes into your buildings! Who among you could possibly not want to disembowel me and serve me in a falafel? Who could allow a woman to look on him without fear of shame if he did not despise me? Yet, you talk of whether donkey candidates or elephant people are “on the side of the terrorists.” What’s up with that? I thought *I* was supposed to be the hateful fear monger!

But although Bush may despise me in his heart, his actions have been models of beneficence. By making your countrymen afraid of me, but doing nothing to stop me, he does me great honor. By invading a country and living up to exactly the cartoonishly demonic caricatures of your country that I perpetuate, he has done me service that few of my 53 brothers would do for me.

If you wish, you may continue your silly battles over whether your donkeys or elephants hate me more. That’s fine with me. It suits my purposes, so by all means continue. Believe me when I say I know that no American would weep over my corpse. I have no friends there.

Yet, there are those whose actions are friendly to me and those that are not. And your Hyman (may scorpions sting his procreative parts!) makes a mockery of himself by not acknowledging that your president Bush's actions have been my greatest allies, even if he himself despises me.

So, vote for whatever donkey or elephant you want tomorrow. Despite what your Hyman says, I really don’t give a rip. Just please tell me you’ll continue to invade countries so that we may kill your soldiers and inspire the next generation of jihadists!

I’m going now. A few of us are riding into town to see that new Borat movie. It should be a hoot! I love the way he talks smack about the Jews. Ha ha ha! High five!

Oh, and one more thing: Death to America.

Osama, out.